I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Welp...herpes.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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