Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize