i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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