I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
