she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
