My first STD was from a foam party
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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