I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.