Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
ugly people sure do ruin things
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
