Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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