The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
