You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
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I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
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I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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