Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
