i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
