If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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