I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
