i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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