I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
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