my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
