Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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