Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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