Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
