I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
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i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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