opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
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