So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
