pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
