The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
