he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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