If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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