but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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