I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
