I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He better not be in your backpack
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
