Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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