im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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