Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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