Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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