I wish my penis had an off switch
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
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