So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
