Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
