if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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