dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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