Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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