And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
