last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
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What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
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If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You were trust falling into bushes
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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