I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
