Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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