She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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