Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
