I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
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She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
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Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.