So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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