SEEEEXXX PLEASE
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
