so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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