On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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