New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
