it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
