Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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