I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
