Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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