Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
